Monochrids R' Us

Monochrids R’ Us
By Prof. Heinz Hummer, DDP

(Professor Hummer wishes to advise that some contents of this article may contain certain words, although purely medical, that are not for consumption of puppies, kittens and other minors. Puprental Guidance is Strictly Advised. Further, materials in this post need not be approved by this blag site's administrator and were not verified as to its accuracy and veracity. Information, materials and the characters in this blag are the sole accountability of Prof. Hummer.)

In my entire study of Doggie Psychology, most of my male clients confessed to be bothered by almost the same issue- being teased as a MONOCHRID.

What is a Monochrid?

I have heard of this word in various occasions and concerning various doggieviduals. Some of my closest kins who were called as such were my brothers, Severino “750” Pepito, Askalon and most recently, Achilles. I am most fortunate to not be called a “monochrid”, or prior to my manang’s consultation with me- a “monotesticled” or “monotoothered” doggie pooh. I believe my manong2 and manong3 in Bacolod City use the more profane term to describe such a condition. However, my intellectual self could not possibly permit such a vulgar word so I’m bleeping it.

Now, I am only a Doggie Psychologist so I am calling out to my Mommy Secretary (can I call you Mommy, too Ms. Secretary?) and The Animal Doctor for a better medical definition for this condition. My doggie researchers, however, were able to arrive at the following definition:

Monochrid - only one testicle dropped into scrotum, one retained in the abdomen
(source: http://www.calgaryappaloosa.com/F%20-%20Level%20Information.htm)

However, let me caution all you hoomans before you start calling your podsings a monochrid. Most dogs do not normally show both toothers while they are still puppies. Usually, it would appears as a single toother as in the case of my brother, Severino Pepito (see the wuss looking choco boy posing with my Tatay, below) who suffered the indignation of being teased as a monotoothered podsing since he was 2 (months old). When he reached 10 however, his toother started to become two which I believe, he received with so much pride and arrogance that he started to show off and impress his masculinity upon all the podsings in The Runt House.

So there you have it all you podsings and catsings! Until my next post. I hope you guys leave this site, a little smarter.

Note from the Inu Ogler: Shortly after Prof. Hummer posted this article, he received a livid peemail from his brother, Severino Pepito, threatening him of a case to be filed in the Hall of Doggone Justice. Apparently, the consultation of Mr. Pepito with Prof. Hummer was covered by the latter’s Privileged Communication/ Confidential Relationship. Prof. Hummer is currently working out an amicable settlement over the said case.

A very reliable informant, whom we will hide under the name “Federico Suave” (not his real name) informed that some items in the said settlement involve custody over half of Prof. Hummer’s daily rations, a written promise that he would lose a total of 5 inches around his belly within the month and that he would end all of his posts with the words “Pipip” –short for Mr. Pepito’s full first name. Prof. Hummer was last seen howling expletives.

When asked if they would like to file cases against Prof. Hummer on account of their inclusion in his latest article, both Mr. Askalon and Mr. Achilles gave the following look…

What's In a Name?

Top Ten Pet Names

By Prof. Heinz Hummer, DDP

I take great pride in my name—Professor Heinz(tein) Hummer, DDM… Why, you say? It’s because my name speaks so much about me. It isn’t just a coincidence that my name sounds so much like that of Mr. Einstein and that wiz kid doctor guy from before-- Doggie Schnauzer, M.D. A podsing’s name is not something that hoomans just pick right out off the condiments rack. It is a result of a well thought out process arising from a series of highly intellectual and not so intellectual conversations with other hoomans, podsings and even catsings.

A dog’s name is something that encapsulates his/her personality. For example, I identify myself with the name “Heinz” or “Heinztein”. Then again, a ruggedly handsome boy like me can also be called “Salvador”, not to shabby, I might say. Other names, which I am not so thrilled about though, (and I really put all of my paws down on this!) are “Ang Lapat”, “Ang Mop” and “Ang Trapo”. I don’t know what these hoomans have for brains, really. What’s with all these Chinese Names? Don’t they know that I am German? Tsk tsk tsk… I’m calling out to my manang, manong2 and manong3 to PLEASE READ YOUR DOGGIE BOOKS- they are all there for a reason!

Anyhowl, here are the TOP 10 PET NAMES, which I’ve read from the Time For Kids (and Puppies) Almanac 2008:

1. Max (My brother Aki’s friend—Max Nunag! Hellooow Ate Abby! Hellooow Kuya Vincent!)

2. Sam
3. Lady
4. Bear (What my manong3 calls my sister Cao Cao—drool)

5. Smokey
6. Shadow (Lookie here! This was Max’ Brother)
7. Kitty (Isn’t she the nice hoooman lady who brought you to that cool subdivision with a beach, Aki?)
8. Molly
9. Buddy
10. Brandy

Wooooffy! My name is unique.. Then again, all of my siblings’ are too!! Congratulations you puppies! Does this mean we won’t have any trouble getting our National Bulldogs of Investigation (NBI) Clearances?

Source: American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals’ (ASPCA) survey of popular pet names in the U.S (Keep up the Great Job, you guys!).

Note from Aki: I think the place was called Corona del Mar